I can relate to this. I am frequently told that fifty years of marriage to a brown skinned woman, having been denied service with her, having my children subjected to race based violence, etc. does nothing with regard to my understanding racism because I’m white. The depth of your relationships mean nothing to race/sex bigots who are vested in ignoring and/or dismissing that to maintain their positions.
If I protest that I get called a racist so the experience you describe does not surprise me at all. I share your frustration because I doubt that this story will help with those kinds of people.